As a child of a covert narcissist, who was prone to explosions of temper and ridicule, and gaslit my reality and emotions, I did not feel safe or loved by my mother and was not protected by my father. In childhood, I walked on eggshells and as a highly sensitive child, developed deep-seated self-loathing and a core wound from the stream of emotional and physical abuse.
Before connecting to my inner-child, perfectionism, people-pleasing and loose boundaries, reigned supreme. I was hypervigilant and suffering from complex PTSD. My negative self-talk was in overdrive, unhealthy relationship patterns led to lower and lower self-worth, and I was regularly riddled with fear and shame. Supersensitive to criticism, I was extremely defensive and could respond with vile anger or tearful tantrums; hard to love or even tolerate, I was lonely and confused.
Thankfully at 40, I began working with Michelle Zelli, a trauma-informed coach with extensive training in practical psychology and alternative approaches, who introduced me to the concept of my inner-child. She explained that when my inner-child is unprotected by my functional adult, my emotionally dysregulated inner-teenager takes charge.
Here are 5 reasons that inner-child work changes lives.
1. Fastest path to self-love and healing the core wound
If you’d told me then that I would love myself one day, I wouldn’t have believed you. Even the thought of liking myself seemed far-fetched. Yet, the change is immense. I used to go to parties, expect to be disliked, try too hard, and alienate people. Now I go without expectations of being liked; they do, they don’t, it matters not. Learning to keep my inner child feeling safe and loved was the key.
Connecting to her was initially challenging, as my overdeveloped ego would tell me I was doing it wrong or hopeless. However, by holding a cushion as if I were cradling my inner-child or through meditation, I persevered until I could hear what she needed to feel. She wanted what I didn’t have as a child: to feel secure, treasured, and supported. To gain her trust and heal, where I had unknowingly abandoned her previously, she also needed me to consistently show up.
2. Avoid the inner teenager’s strop!
Today, I sense when my inner child is unsettled and swiftly provide her with soothing words and reassurance. It usually feels like she is doing somersaults in my chest or I can feel myself panicked or overreacting; I have learned to be consciously aware and curious in these moments.
Before I knew to step in, my fearful inner child would be unsupported by my functional adult and out would come the deeply unpleasant teenager. Door slamming, potty-mouthed, vicious and defensive teenager, absent of emotional intelligence, creating a wake of damage. This behaviour deepened my feelings of isolation and low self-worth, yet it stopped the moment I learned to address my inner child’s needs. My core wound created a scar so I can still trigger, but the more I practised taking a breath and checking in with my inner child, the calmer and happier life has been. Triggering is now extremely rare and my inner teenager is happy too.
3. Stop seeking approval that won’t come
Throughout The Damage of Words, I explain the impact of living with a mother who gaslit my emotions and a father who enabled her behaviour by dismissing my concerns. I was scared to speak up but if I did cry out for support, I wasn’t heard. It exacerbated the feeling that I wasn’t enough and would never receive their approval.
In sessions with Michelle, I was guided to have imaginary conversations with my “mother” and sometimes my “father”. Massive relief was created by allowing my inner child, inner teenager or functional adult to express all the words and emotions that I had ever wanted to say and knew I couldn’t. In the safety of the session and with a trusted guide, I eventually ran out of things to say.
Releasing the toxic energy I had absorbed and bottled, in conjunction with my loving conversations with my inner child, led to freedom. An acceptance came that I didn’t need the real version of either of my parents to hear me. No longer yearning for their approval, my self-worth increased exponentially.
4. Learning to respond to criticism
Initially, it also seemed impossible to believe that I would accept criticism or negativity without jumping immediately to the defensive. In the past, for example, I have been known to viciously verbally attack any manager attempting to deliver my annual work appraisal, or uncontrollably and inconsolably sob, later feeling deep shame and regret.
However, by connecting to my inner child I have healed my complex PTSD and am no longer hypervigilant, expecting to be in trouble every moment. It proved a saviour for past managers but it was also essential to building happy and healthy friendships. From a lonely, turbulent and fairly friendless twenties, I now have a large and loving circle of friends and supporters.
5. Stepping far beyond my comfort zone
Before the inner-child work, I was a perfectionist, trying to do things perfectly the first time, and terrified of being in trouble. It was exhausting, and usually, my frustration at myself or others, who couldn’t reach my unachievable ideals, led to resentment, anger, and getting myself into the hot water I was desperate to avoid.
Stepping outside of my comfort zone to achieve all I yearned to seemed impossible; fear reigned supreme. However, by countering my ego’s critique and reassuring my inner-child swiftly led to my taking greater leaps of faith. Even today, as I go to achieve things that I once thought were impossible, right as I boldly step forward I ensure that she knows that I have her, that she is ok, and that I will protect her; together we will achieve it.
Takeaway
In my experience, inner-child work helped me heal complex PTSD – once considered incurable, lose my hypervigilance, and fill myself with self-love, care and compassion. For adults who have suffered physical, emotional or psychological neglect in childhood or other forms of repetitive abuse, like bullying at school etc., inner-child work could be their key to reclaiming their lives and feeling whole and happy.
Katrina Collier is the London based author of The Damage of Words, which details her lived experience overcoming narcissistic childhood abuse, C-PTSD and hypervigilance. https://thedamageofwords.com/
Feature Image credit: Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash
